Single? Married? 23? The debate.

Court,

This is a pretty hot topic these days, isn’t it Kotowski? Why is that? Why has it suddenly become such a phenomenon to write long blogs/list regarding how to better spend one’s life than to be married under the age of 25?

I don’t get it.

I don’t get it for a number of reasons. Like you, I find the lack of excitement regarding a person’s pending nuptials – no matter the age – to be depressing. How can we look at our happy, glowing, hopelessly-in-love friends and curse their joy because we (we, who are wiser, smarter, and apparently know better) believe them to be too young. Too young to grow up. Too young to be tied down. Too young to be selfless.

And that’s the kicker. Selflessness.

One particular article that seems to be all over my facebook, maybe the specific one that you are addressing as well, notes a detailed to do list of things that a person (specifically a woman) should accomplish INSTEAD of getting engaged before turning 23. Obviously, I read these things aloud to my  boyfriend. You know, in case we needed to be aware of something important. We laughed our way through most of the list, noting that almost everything on the list could be done with another person (or, should probably just not be done at all.). In fact, it seemed to us that most of the things on the list SHOULD be done with another person. Specifically, for me, done with Jordan. But, as the list continued you on, we hit a road block.

22. Be Selfish.

This is when it hit me, she is right. Not in the way she wants to be, but her words still suddenly ring true. If you want to be selfish, don’t get married before 23. Do whatever you want to do, I suppose. In the words of this specific author – find your “thing”. Whatever. But, if you want to choose selfishness don’t get married at 23 – or 25, or 30, or 45.

Because, selfishness is poison to a marriage. I don’t even have to be married to know that.  So, be single. And selfish.  Explore. Learn. Whatever. And while you’re doing that, I’ll get married. Before I’m 25.

Here’s the thing. I found him. He’s good, and solid. And I don’t want to be selfish, and I don’t want to explore alone. And, that’s okay. Just like it is okay to be single. Happiness, luckily, is available to all.

But, do take away this. Independence is a comfort, and freedom is a blessing. A big, confidence-boosting blessing. But, love? It’s a gift. It is a gift that was created and then exemplified by God. Let’s not make light of that.

In the end – I agree with you. Encouragement is a beautiful thing. Encourage your friends who are getting engaged. Encourage your friends who are not. Suddenly, no one is making a list of which lifestyle is better, because jealousy and bitterness are not a part of the equation. Selflessness, it turns out, is available for all.

Get married. Be single. Who cares. Be happy. Love people. Love God.  Stop coveting other people’s lives, and calling it wisdom.

It seems easy enough.

Choose love.

Morgan 

Can we be more encouraging?

Morgs,

I’m afraid to even speak on this matter in semi-public forum. Knowing the way the internet works, I want to tread super lightly on the topic. But I've now read several back and forth arguments about whether or not to be married at the age of 22-25 and I feel like we’re losing a piece of the puzzle that seems super necessary to me. A number of the blogs that I've read seem to be targeted at friends, or friends of friends, just people known by the blogger/author. It seems really unfortunate that we've gotten to a place where friends are so unsupportive or contradictory of their friends lifestyles. I think it needs to be said that it does not matter what your relationship status is, you can CO-EXIST in a world with married people or single people at your same age. If you are 25 and single, the 22 year old married girl is NOT a direct threat on your life. She just isn't, unless of course she’s telling you that something you are doing is wrong, that’s a different story of course. But the mere existence of marriage among your peers should not be an interference on your life. And, the choice to post an article that she feels encouraged by is not an attack on the articles that you find encouraging. If it is, I hope you can see past it. I dare not use the word judge, because I think it is highly overused among the Millennial generation. Having an opinion opposite another persons obviously means you are judging them…Scary!! But in general, I hope that we, as women, can be supportive of the kind of lives our friends lead. Just try, to put aside your status and be excited for the kind of choices, adventures or commitments your friends are making. Talk with them and ask them questions, especially if you don’t agree!

I would love to be in a committed relationship, because it’s a beautiful thing that people can do for one another. Essentially, I want to say to another person, I love you so much I want to put your goals and feelings above mine. That seems like a pretty solid life move, I think. But that’s not how others want to do it, and I’m totally fine with that. I've found those women I do not agree with, are often the ones that I have the most interesting conversations with, even if we both get a little peeved. I hope that you don’t encounter this kind of stuff with your friends Morgo. Your relationship is quite wonderful and I would be sad to know that others weren't on board with the timing of God’s love in your life, even if they don't agree. I’m really hoping that we can encourage one another to live bigger and better lives. My friends that want to be single until they are 35, should absolutely do that and they should ask for more in their work lives, be more involved in their cities and take more trips wherever they want to go! My friends that are getting married quite soon, should absolutely do so and they should be committed to their spouse wholeheartedly, be more involved in each others work lives and be more encouraging of their partner’s dreams. I want all my friends to be who they are, be led in the direction of their heart and know that I would go on any journey with them. I think, in my mind, that’s the point of this blog. You and I are headed on different paths, but I want to share in it with you. I want to laugh and cry with you, to experience your moves with Jordan, to tell you about the serendipitous timing in my life, and most of all, encourage you to do what you want to do.

I’m going to be done talking about this. Hopefully, this little soapbox moment will be more than a ‘I’m doing it better than you are’ kind of statement. I genuinely hope that all women can come to appreciate the different choices taken by the other females they share seasons of life with. If we can celebrate the things our fellow ladies deem to be good for them, we will have more things to celebrate in our own lives that we deem good. I mean, I also hope that men can be this way too, but I’m sure less of them are reading this.

From one of my favorite authors, Shauna Niequist, "But I choose to do what I can do to create hope, to celebrate life, and the act of celebrating connects me back to that life I love." - Cold Tangerines.

Love you,

Court